


The Bad Fic (It's Really Bad)

by Athena413



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-24
Updated: 2018-07-24
Packaged: 2019-06-15 09:21:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,152
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15409818
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Athena413/pseuds/Athena413
Summary: Help.2 people made this. We were at war with each other.May God help us all.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> help

Karkat Vantas sat on the bridge of the TrayToMater300, the ship that he flies, because he is a space pirate.

Meanwhile, Briska was in the background have an aneurysm because, uh, crabs.

Karkat tossed her into the prison area.

Vriska went "FUCK YOUUUUUUUUU" as she was yote into the brig.

Car Kitten jumped into the piloting area and rammed his ship into the nearest other ship, proceeded to fuck everybody aboard and take them as prisoners.

Vriska, unfortunately, was mistake for a prisoner.  
So she was stuck in the brig with fuckin' hundreds of people.  
Edit: She is, in fact, a prisoner. Because Karkat's an asshole or something.

Virskanateanmtat, Vriska's inbred mother, was gay so she could not help Vriska. Vriska jumped. The jump did nothing at all.

Vriska floated up to the window like that one scene in Borderlands: The Pre-Sequel and just basically smooshed herself up against it.  
"Help me," she simply said.  
But everyone hated Vriska, so they did not.  
In fact, they all just turned to Vriska, who had managed to phase through the ship entirely, and flipped her off.  
Because fuck Vriska. I'm better,  
-Eon

Karkat decided to fly himself through the brig area. This did nothing. Vriska starts spinning, and dies.

She has become a fidget spinner.  
A fidget spinneret, if you will.

A ship flew past the TrayToMater300, and stole Vriska.

It was the Lost Light, because Transformers and Homestuck exist in the same universe. Ath is being a bitch titty.

correct. i am a bitch titty and i am retconning your transformers and homestuck thing.  
The person who stole Vriska was Jeff The Hitman. Except he doesn't exist in the universe, so instead he is John Egbert, co-piloted by Jade Harley

Edit: Ath is a coward

Good.

Vriska fought them off with her badass ninja powers. She was taught thousands of years ago by Master Shifu of the Kung Fu Panda franchise.

Sadly vriska was thrown in prison again. kmasjkoasn iu0jon JI)(FJONBJEIOJkmlgnbakj90igjesishgjrgkjgrskjsdgkjsdgkjasjkgdskjgskj

This time, though, it was John and Jade's prison. Which is just a big room with missing texture and errors all over the place.  
And lots of t-posing copies of Bec.  
With a blunt in his dog mouth thing.

With her, was Mitchell Shepherd. He was t-posing and repeatedly saying "YOU FUCKED UP MY FACE"

Vriska had no form of resistance; Shepherd had sapped her ninja powers by sheer intimidation factor, it seemed. As such, she ultimately gave in and t-posed with him.  
"JOJ34IN THE34UJB4 CTKLLT"

"no"  
We go back to Karkat, who has landed his ship at the "GREEN ASS ZONE"

The green ass zone was actually Lord English's big, green, sweaty ass.

They left.

Psyche! That was Karkat's daydream, as it turned out he had run out of fuel.

He did have enough fuel to create more fuel out of thin air.  
Sadly, the process of creating fuel, generated SMUT. lots of smut. the worst KIND of smut.  
Luckily, the smut gets burned instantly from the "ANTI-SIN MACHINE"

Vriska's tears were fueling the ANTI-SIN-MACHINE. Mitchell was having a full-blown laughing fit, delighted to know someone was having a worse time than he had been all these years.  
One of the Becs appeared sympathetic and patted Vriska on the shoulder whilst offering her a blunt. Vriska gladly took it.

Sadly, the blunt made her GAY

So she started dabbing everywhere while crying.

Somehow, this dabbing managed to reveal one of the smut writings.  
"Long Live The King"  
She burned it immediately.

In the process, she burned the entire ship. So now everything was on fire.  
Great job, Vriska.

Jognatahnatarartn EGGman decided to HECK virska while jANEADEADED harelee HECKED michael sheepherd

Editor's note: It was at this point Ath and her mic died at the same time. We apologize for the inconvenience.  
Uh oh, get dabbed on, Vriska said as she ANNIHILATED JOHN'S ASS WITH HER MASSIVE  
EGO

Somehow, the orgy put out all the firess in the ship

Wait, there was an orgy?

yeah  
sadly the orgy made everybody gay

So how is it an orgy if people are only having sex with half of the people?

baltimore

I?

baltimore

ravens?

yes

cravin' ravens?  
Suddenly, everyone died.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> help

ALTERNATE ENDING: BALTIMORE EDITION

John Egbert tried to steer the Assmatic towards the TrayToMater300. John rammed his ship into it and ran inside killing everybody except Karkat. John challenged Karkat to a duel.

Karkat gladly accepted now that he had no Vriska to deal with and/or fuck.  
In fact, he appreciated death. He embraced it with open arms.  
PLease, just kill him. They have my wife and children  
Jade is fucking my wife as we speak please

John's walking in the ship.  
There's no one around,  
And his phone is dead.  
Out of the corner of your eye you spot him,  
Karkat Vantas.  
He's following him  
About 30 feet back.  
He gets down on all fours and breaks into a sprint.  
He's gaining on him.  
Karkat Vantas.  
He's looking for your ship,  
But he's all turned around.  
Karkat's almost upon him now  
And he can see there's blood on his face!  
My god, there's blood everywhere!  
Running for his life  
(From Karkat Vantas.)  
He's brandishing a knife.  
(It's Karkat Vantas.)  
Lurking in the shadows  
Dank Meme superstar Karkat Vantas.  
Living in spaceships,  
(Karkat Vantas.)  
Killing for sport,  
(Karkat Vantas.)  
Eating all the bodies  
Actual, cannibal Karkat Vantas.  
Now it's dark and he seems to have lost him,  
But he's hopelessly lost himself.  
Stranded with a murderer,  
He creeps silently through the corridor.  
A-ha! In the distance,  
A small hangar with a light on.  
Hope!  
He moves stealthily toward it,  
But his leg! Ah! It's caught in a bear trap!  
Gnawing off his leg,  
(Quiet, quiet.)  
Limping toward the hangar,  
(Quiet, quiet.)  
Now he's on the doorstep,  
Sitting inside, Karkat Vantas.  
Sharpening an ax,  
(Karkat Vantas.)  
But he doesn't hear him enter,  
(Karkat Vantas.)  
He's sneaking up behind him.  
Strangling superstar Karkat Vantas.  
Fighting for your life with Karkat Vantas,  
Wrestling a knife from Karkat Vantas,  
Stab it in his kidney.  
Safe at last from Karkat Vantas.  
You limp into the dark ship,  
Blood oozing from your stump leg.  
But you have won.  
You have beaten Karkat Vantas  
Wait! He isn't dead! Karkat Surprise!  
There's a gun to his head, and death in his eyes.  
But he can do Jiu Jitsu  
Body Slam superstar Karkat Vantas  
Legendary fight with Karkat Vantas  
Normal Tuesday night for Karkat Vantas  
He tries to swing an axe at Karkat Vantas  
But blood is draining fast from his stump leg  
He's dodging every swipe, he parries to the left  
He counters to the right, John catches him in the neck  
He's chopping off his head now  
He has just decapitated Karkat Vantas  
His head topples to the floor, expressionless   
He falls to his knees and catches his breath  
He's finally safe from Karkat Vantas

fic over fuck this


End file.
